I fucked up…

So I fucked up 

All I wanted was to break down those walls.

It seems I’m not as strong as I thought I could be.

Always felt overshadowed, monitored and compared.

I wanted to fix you, 

To help heal those wounds. 

Those big soft healing eyes,

Overflowing with pain, anxiety, fear… 

I just wish I could make it all go away,

You make me feel so inept.

Maybe I’m not as strong as you need me to be. 

Maybe I’m not what you need

Masculinity MusingsĀ 

I have been experiencing what can only be described as “cravings” for what the scene calls twinks

I’ve often had innocent flirtations with gay guy friends on the scene,  however this is an entirely different feeling. 

An urgent predatory sensation. It’s an incredibly confusing feeling. I have always been rather pansexual with my choice of partner; and in my dalliances with men in the past I have always gone for the hyper-masculine type of guy…..

Beard,  bald head, muscles the works…

So why are these lithe young guys drawing my attention??  

Maybe their stereotypical submissiveness calls to my domme side. As whenever I am off in my imagination I am most definitely “The Top”.  

I’d love to know if any other butch/M.O.C women have experienced these feelings before. 

I think the only time I’ve heard of such a change in “appetite” is with transguys, who find themselves attracted to men after dating women all their lives. 

Any experiences or advice would be gladly received!!  


Morning observationsĀ 

Hustle bustle, metallic clangs and the distant whine of sleepy children . Muffled music straining,

Through the hiss of coffee spiked steam 

Device lead zombies trudge 

With invisible eyes leading their way, thumbs tapping furiously with muted frustration etched upon sallow brows.

Whatever happened to talking on the phone?

People altogether but isolated 

Crowded but alone 

Each body a separate entity consumed in its own aura of self-important arrogance. 

Slaves to the commute 

Victims of the corporate 

Cogs in the machine of 

the social miasma 

Feeding the hunger of the materialistic monster, 

Gnawing at the minds of those who were once carefree young souls. 

Why don’t people talk anymore 

Brexit

So it’s happened….

I honestly didn’t think the powers that be would allow this to happen,  but it has.

My thoughts go out to those people who came here looking for a new start and a positive future, and the future plans to “review their migrant status”… Something which sounds suspiciously sinister. 

Those people who work hard everyday to keep our country going.  The cleaners the porters the carers the farm workers and many many more jobs that our citizens simply don’t want to do. 

( I’m not saying EU migrants have solely lower wage jobs,  of course there are a wide plethora of different skilled persons) 

I don’t know how to put into words how I feel about this all,  without coming across as insulting to one party or another. 

Disappointed,  scared, ashamed of our country….

If this is how they feel about immigrants how long is it going to be before they start on the rest of the minorities. 

As an openly gay woman I do feel a sense of foreboding after this vote.

I suddenly feel uncomfortable in a country I have called home.

I have never had any faith in government full stop but this really has put a nail in the coffin as it were….

Canada…. I’m on my way!!

Hot sweaty butch

I think I’ve mentioned before how, in this hot muggy British summer we’re having, my appearance does not come across as stereotypically “butch”.

This hurts my brain a little,  but the only things I am comfortable in are maxi dresses, skirts leggings etc. Things that my butch partner would never dream of wearing!

It gets me thinking though as to what makes someone butch?

Can you be butch and wear frilly underwear?

Can you be butch and still wear make-up?

Can you be butch and have long hair??

All these unspoken rules and regulations on butch expression.

I’m of the mindset though that you can express yourself however you damn well like!

Jeez it’s a whole different environment for the LGBT+  community now,  with a massive media surge of our trans and gender free brothers and sisters. 

When I was writing a post like this last year average Joe public had very little knowledge on gender expression…. How things have changed.

It feels like nowadays ( in the UK anyways) you can be who you want to be and not worry about abuse or connotations. 

I suppose it challenges my own personal identity,  being given this freedom to be who you want to be, it makes you evaluate yourself. 

Who am I

Now that’s a scary thought!!! 

Coupled

I’m back after another long hiatus….

One change this time though

This time I’m not single!! 

I usually have a break from writing whilst I’m in a relationship then start writing again when I’m heartbroken… But things have changed.

I’m in a fantastic relationship with a beautiful butch.

She’s my Prince charming and I absolutely adore her. 

This feels like a real adult relationship,  I don’t know if it’s because there’s a five year age gap with her the senior.

We compliment each other so well, her being rather straight laced and me… Well….

I think I’m definitely as unlaced as a person can be!! 

Anyways I just thought I’d let you all know that there is hope.

I hope you all find your Prince Charming
Or even better have found her already!!

image

Love Becca and Kell xxx

Buying hairspray….

Had the most hilarious experience/revelation today infront of a shelf full of hairspray….

“Mesmerising hold”
“Obsessive fixation”

And other equally creepy completely over the top names,  when I commented..

Jeez…. these sound like my past relationships!!

Completely true!!  Nearly all of my past relationships have been dysfunctional in some shape or form. 

Is it because I enjoy the challenge of a tumultuous relationship….

Do I have an obsession with people as random and sporadic as myself…

Or do I just attract those types of people?

I have no idea…  if any of my friends or exes (or both) have any ideas please please let me know!! 

I almost need feedback forms to handout to people to find out where I’m going wrong!?!?

Anyways….

All I can say is I came back with a can of hairspray saying…

24 hour hold

Maybe I’m evolving  šŸ˜‰

Brain pain

My brain hurts today. 

Things that I thought were set in stone are not

Things which I felt confident in are no longer so certain

The sands are shifting

But it’s ok…

I don’t know if it’s fate, intuition or just karma but I feel like everything is happening just as it should be….

It’s like being stood at the precipice of an immense mountain face…. teetering over the edge on enormous skis…. knowing that with one push it will just happen…

And there’s nothing I can do about it but enjoy the ride!!

Terrifying,  invigorating,  tantalising

Babbling bafoon…

Why is it when you see that person you turn into a gibbering idiot!!

The stupid thing is she’s not even that great… she has her flaws but good god when she looks at me…. jelly… I actually turn into jelly. 

Working with her is interesting… I haven’t worked paired with her but I’ve been on the same shift and the butterflies are crippling!

What am I going to do!!!

I don’t even know if she’s gay,  single or even a nice person.  But good god those eyes… and that walk… is it possible to have a crush on someone’s swagger? 

Oh god that’s what it is…. a crush!! 
Jeeez… I’m nearly thirty and have a school girl crush… I don’t know if that’s sweet or just tragic…

Answers on a postcard lol xxx

Back Again

Soooo I’m back again.  I’ve finally had the realisation that I need to look after myself.  I can’t expect other’s to make me happy if I’m not happy with myself.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be ecstatic with myself but hey… happy is a start. 

I’ve also realised that I only really seem to blog when I’m single which needs to stop! 

Being single again has really made me evaluate myself and what it really means to be me. 

Is this butch? Femme? Inbetween? Gay? Straight? Pansexual?  Who knows….. All I know is that I am who I am and I’m not going to let anyone dim my flame ever again. 

I almost feel like I would benefit from going to one of those buddhist retreats….
to “find myself”

I think I’d probably just get lost!!